As you may have gathered from the previous two posts, I have been on a road trip. My husband and I were celebrating twenty-five years of wedded bliss and it was a second honeymoon of sorts for us.
We had an amazing time. We saw a good portion of this very large country we live in – okay, so not so much of it really, Australia is very large after all – and we experienced new things daily.
So all in all, it was a great trip. In fact, we are already planning our next one.
Unfortunately, today I’m feeling a little bummed out and kind of a bit p*&%ed off. You see, I tried really hard to eat well and exercise while we were away in order to keep my health goals on track. We didn’t over eat and we had higher than normal activity levels every day. There wasn’t one day that we didn’t exceed the recommended 10,000 steps. I made wise choices with what I ate and drank and by all accounts, my blood sugars were stable. But when I jumped on the scales today, they told an entirely different story.
I have put on weight. And not just a couple of grams.
My goal was actually to just maintain my weight while we were away. I did not expect to lose any and I was even prepared to maybe put on 1/2 kilo. But no. I put on more. According to my scales today, I gained 3 kilograms.
The thing that really p*&%es me off is that I did eat sensibly. I did not have a free-for-all and eat everything in sight. I practised moderation. I chose healthy food. I didn’t snack in between meals. It really feels unfair that I was eating just like a normal person – maybe better than a normal person – and yet I still gained weight.
We walked far and wide. We walked up hill and down dale. We walked when we could have driven. My husband even lost weight! And he ate more than me (and drank more than me!) It just seems so unfair that when I was trying so hard, I still failed.
I promised I would be honest on this blog, so today you are getting all of my honesty. I feel like giving up. It just seems so hard to keep going when faced with such an epic failure. Losing those three kilograms took blood, sweat, and tears. It took me weeks and weeks to lose and yet I gained it back in just fourteen days. When faced with such an overwhelming and what I see as catastrophic failure, the temptation to just throw in the towel and walk away is strong.
And then I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
Yes, it is disappointing. Yes, it is heartbreaking to see all that work go down the drain.
I still fit into my new clothes. I still feel slimmer. When I look in the mirror I can still see the changes in my body.
Do I want to throw a tantrum and shake my fist at the universe? Absolutely. Do I want to cry about how unfair it is that I can’t be normal? Of course. And you know what, I have and I will probably do that time and again on this journey.
If I walk away now in a fit of pique, then I won’t have reached the goal weight I have set for myself for my son’s wedding. If I give up now, all the good I have done in bringing down my HBA1C and stabilising my blood sugars will be wasted. If I throw in the towel I will just be repeating the pattern that has characterised my life.
Yes, it is unfair that I just have to walk past a bakery to gain a kilogram. Yes, it is unfair that I have a disease that sucks the joy out of food and parties and family dinners. But I am not alone in this struggle. I am not the only one on this earth who deals with life being unfair.
All of us face trials and tribulation. All of us have to overcome. Giving up because it isn’t fair won’t change anything. The hard fact is that if I want my life to change, then I have to be the one to change my life. I have to take responsibility for it.
So what can I do now?
I get back into my regular routine. I go back to the schedule that had been working for me. I get back on the treadmill and I work my a$$ off to lose those extra kilos I gained. There is no magic button or pill. It comes down to doing the work and getting sweaty. It means saying no to the treat and regaining my focus.
There may be swearing along the way and that is okay. At the end of the day when I fit into the dress I want to wear for my son’s wedding and I look back on the photos and feel good about how I looked, then it will all be worth it. But even beyond that, when I live longer and feel younger and have many more trips under my belt, that will be worth it. For every year I extend my life because I was making wise choices and putting my health above the instant satisfaction that a treat brings, then it will be worth it.
But again, there may be swearing along the way. Loud swearing. Inventive swearing. And sweating. Lots and lots of sweating.